My First Attempt (How My Best Friend, of 15 Years, Saved My Life)

Updated: Jan 31

10 Days ago (Jan 20, 2022), I started this article. I couldn't bring myself to publish it because I wasn't ready to share my story.

Some of you know, I lost my father to suicide when I was 5 years old. The one thing he taught me is to NEVER MAKE A PERMANENT SOLUTION FOR A TEMPORARY PROBLEM, EVEN IF I CAN'T SEE A WAY OUT (YET)! I vowed that "that would NEVER be me."

Well, in 2018, I found myself in the depths of darkness, and I did not see a way out.

After seeing some news, today, about a beautiful, strong, black woman who lost her battle, I knew what I had to do. I pulled this week's article, and completed this post, instead.

I will forever be grateful for my childhood (and forever Best friend), Chay Murray, because in September 2018, I almost made a decision to end my life.

God used her to save my life.

My prayer is that this article is similar to the call that saved my life 3.5 years ago.

2018 was the WORST YEAR of my adult life!

If I’m honest, it was worse than being socially isolated from most humans (that would end up taking place a year later due to a global pandemic).

Yep, 2018 was a huge struggle for me.

In 2018:

Rereading some of the “Wins” from 2018, I can only imagine what you’re thinking. "The Worst Year? Where?"

Here’s what else happened in 2018:

HIT NUMBER ONE: Remember my 2nd conference and the two sponsorships?

Well, upon returning from the international speaking engagements, I was greeted with an email saying that we missed a deadline for documents to be submitted, and they unfortunately could no longer sponsor us. We lost $20,000 dollars.

But wait, losing this $20,000 meant that we would no longer be able to afford the upgrades at one of my (dream) venues.

The cherry, came when we updated our other partners that we were no longer going to host the conference at the Phoenix Convention center. That was when our 2nd sponsor pulled out!

In the matter of days, I lost $40,000 in sponsorships, THREE WEEKS BEFORE MY ANNUAL CONFERENCE!

I’ll share the outcome of the 2018 Woman In Action Conference another time, so be sure to stick around.

THE LESSON: The first, get your contracts together, Sis! The second, which, for me, was more impactful and emotionally draining, is ineffective team delegation can cost you. As the CEO and the visionary, you’re responsible for the decisions, actions, and outcomes of your team. Own it. Grow from it.

HIT NUMBER TWO: Remember the lesson about ineffective team delegation?

Are you familiar with that old adage, “If someone talks about others to you, they talk to others about you”?

Well, I learned that one of my closest associates began spreading rumors that they had given me the vision for the conference and other projects.

I had no idea how to respond. It hurt me to my core. I dissolved the friendship. I pulled the program. But it wasn't until later that I realized I had essentially walked away from my purpose.

If I was susceptible to his schemes before, at this point, I was fully exposed to the attacks of the enemy. (Ephesians 6:12)

🚨 If this is an experience you encounter,

  1. Identify the root of the issue.

  2. Acknowledge the lesson.

  3. Revisit your personal and professional boundaries. Reinforce your boundaries by having the difficult conversation. Without blame or accusation, express how you felt when the incident occurred. Invite them to share their interpretation. And clearly state what your desires or requests are.

  4. Make a decision. This is another tough part of the process. You have to decide what your next step will be, but this time, consult with the ONE who gave you the vision in the first place.

THE LESSON: The enemy wants to silence you! Don’t let him. Take a moment to read through Luke 10:19-20 and put this reminder in your back pocket for a time you face a similar situation.

HIT NUMBER THREE: Remember the dating announcement?

After months of isolation trying to cope with the dissolved friendship, and walking away from what I knew was my calling and purpose, I met a guy.

I felt seen. I felt wanted. I was experiencing things that I had never done. But from the beginning something was off.

The way we met. The time we met. And events what would follow over the next several months.

He wanted my hair a certain way. I accepted. After all, I had never had a man treat me.

He wanted me to wear specific attire while we were together, and when he presented the wardrobe upgrade. I accepted. After all, I've never had a man treat me.

And shortly after, the arguments began. The apologies and dinners won me over. After all, I had never had a man treat me.

The arguments intensified. The microaggressions turned into manipulation. And I felt as if I were all alone.

How did I get here?

I thought: I’m confident. I stand up for myself. I’m … and as I took a look in the mirror, I was completely unrecognizable.

I became the version this person wanted me to be, and it conflicted with every part of me.

In this state of vulnerability, the enemy used it to his advantage and he…would…not…let…up.

All I heard was:

"You’re unwanted." (Lie)

"You’re abandon." (Lie.)

"You’re unlovable." (Lie!)

"You’re a failure." (LIE)

"How could you not see the red flags?" (STOP IT!)

"The world would be better off without you." (LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL!)

And it broke me.

I grabbed my gun.

As I hear the bullet entering the chamber, I begin to raise it to my temple.

I saw a flash of what I imagine was an almost identical image of my (adoptive) father, who lost his battle to depression and bipolar to suicide when I was 5 years old.

Within seconds after this image entering my mind, my phone rings.

I recognized the ringtone. It was my best friend of 15 years.

Looking back, I know this was a supernatural distraction because in that season of my life, a phone call from my best friend, Chay, was the only one I would have answered.

Without hesitation, I picked up.

As soon as the phone connected, she says, “I want what you have!”

Confused, attempting to suppress my shallow breathing and dab my running nose; I respond, “What do you mean!?”

I look down in my lap, and the gun is still there in my hand.

Chay repeats herself and says, “Margot, I’m finally ready. I want what you have! I want to know Jesus!”

What you haven’t heard me share as I walk you through these life changing 2018 experiences, is that I have always been an avid believer in Jesus Christ. I’m a pew baby. I was born and raised in the church. I knew the word of God. (Matthew 4). But 2018 was different, and it was as if my faith was so fragile, that I didn't draw near to God.

This was the moment while she was surrendering her life to Christ, she was also saving mine!

THE LESSON: This was the moment while she was surrendering her life to Christ, she was also saving mine!

It was as if I was in a Season of Darkness, and I no idea how to get out.

But God had other plans.

God used my best friend of 15 years (19 years this year) to intervene.

I never knew if, when, or how I was going to share this story. My story of how my best friend saved my from taking my own life. (The exact way my adoptive father had. Where I almost left the exact same voids my father left us with.)

It took another two years to heal from, forgive, and work to overcome the unresolved trauma of his death.

Today, I finally share my story.

I share my story because THIS story is not only my own.

There are many women who have found themselves in unhealthy, toxic, or (verbally/physically) abusive relationships, and did not know how to get out.

There are many women who have found themselves questing their worth and their existance, and they are on the verge of giving up.

There are women who never thought they would be one to identify with a story like this. I know because I was one of them.

The thing is, the enemy tends to use the very things we think we have control over to manipulate us, try to shake our faith, or worse attempt to take ourselves out because we believed his lies. (Matthew 4)

This message is for freedom. This message is for hope. This message is to remind you, mighty Woman of God, though you are not exempt from warfare, adversity, or suffering, that YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

I see you.

I stand with you.

But, you must choose to survive.


If you ever find yourself in a position where you are equipping your existing, contemplating harming yourself, please take advantage of the following resources:

I want to close with this, you are wanted (1 John 4:10 AMP). You are hand-picked (Isaiah 41:9). This season is only temporary (Matthew 4). Stand firm (Ephesians 6:10-18).

Ps. Four years later, I still have the number to the hotline in my phone as a precaution. I added a little note with a scripture to keep me grounded.

Prayer & Petition On Your Behalf

Until we meet, again, may God cover you in His holy protection. We bind any thoughts that appear in your mind telling you “you are unworthy, broken, forgotten, unloved, damaged, or *insert the lie you hear right here*” in the name of Christ, Jesus. We loose recall of God’s truth from Ephesians 1 & 2; from 1 John 4:10 AMP; 1 Thessalonians 1:4; 1 Corinthians 6:19 and any other Word you inspired to teach us, guide us, develop us, stretch us, grow us, mature us, and reinforce our faith. Thank you, Lord, for this divine and timely intervention of this word. Allow it to reach your Kingdom people who experience suicidal ideas or contemplation. We thank you for your grace and your mercy. You sit on the high throne, where you’ll remain.

CLICK HERE to Download Scriptures for Spiritual Warfare & Battles of The Mind.

Scriptures for Spiritual Warfare & Battles of The Mind
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